Fireworks? Bah humbug! I love the 4th of July--cookouts, cocktails, patriotism, etc. However, I am convinced that fireworks are overrated! Think back to the last time you went to a fireworks show and be completely honest: was it worth the hassle? You're sitting by the pool or lounging on the patio, having a great time. Then you prematurely end your fun in order to "get a good spot" for the fireworks. Get a good spot?!? You can see fireworks from MILES away! Yet, almost without fail, we cue up like kids in the soup line in a Dickens novel. And then we wait. Crying kids. Port-o-potties. Hairy men in tank tops. Old men with the socks pulled up to their knees. Horrid shirts with eagles and American flag prints. Drunk frat guys. Homeless people who, inexplicably, have sparklers. Nowhere to park. Your flip-flopped feet have been stepped on six times.
All of that annoyance, and then here comes the show! You've got to admit that 85% of a fireworks display is lackluster. We wait and wait to waste 20 minutes watching the puny munitions before the smashing finale. I want 20 minutes of finale. I want a finale the length of Grateful Dead song. I want the equivalent of War & Peace in screaming rockets.
The fireworks aftermath is the worst part! The heat and the stickiness of sweaty bodies is amplified by the sulfery smell of gun powder and the haze of gray smoke. (It does, however, mask the smell of that bum with the sparkler.) All of those people who trickled in to get that phantom spot that is somehow better than the others all depart at exactly the same moment, as no one wishes to linger in the fumes. Gridlock traffic, sardine-like conditions on the trains. Drunk frat boy just vomitted. Kids, now hungry and ears-a-ringing from the spectacle, ratchet up their screams. Nightmare.
And have you ever noticed how everyone claims to have the "largest" fireworks display? Could we get the Pew Center to quantify this and put these falsities to rest? Here in Atlanta, the Lenox Mall show calls itself the "largest in the Southeast." Meanwhile, downtown, Centinniel Park dubs its diplay "Atlanta's biggest." How in the Hell is that possible?
Despite my cynicism, I've found the solution. The best, most enjoyable fireworks session I've ever experienced was on the roof on an apartment building. Me, a plastic beach chair, and a cold beer. No crowds, no port-o-lets, no stench, no parking. The point is, you don't have to go to the heart of the maelstrom; again, fireworks can be seen from miles away! Plus, from your high perch on a clear night, you can watch multiple shows simultaneosly. Maybe then we finally figure out which show is the biggest. Happy 4th, everyone!
